Author Archives: Emmett

JJ Abrams, creator of the television series Lost, talks about his love of mystery and specifically his love for his unopened mystery box in this Ted talk (it’s 18 minutes long and not the crux of this post so if you don’t have a lot of time, you can skip the video and take it from me that Abrams likes to leave his mystery box unopened because it’s more exciting not to know its contents than it is to reveal some cheap prize kept within).

The development of discipline required not to open such a box is an exciting challenge. The highest form of such a challenge is undoubtedly abstinence, and we take our party hats off to those folks, but there are many little mysteries hidden behind unlocked doors that we can choose to reveal or not. My own mystery involves a blocked number that calls me every day. Once in the morning and once in the evening. We’ve hypothesized that the caller is a process server waiting to subpoena the VBs for any number of copyright infringements we have committed, or perhaps it’s Obama trying to hit me up for some loose cash. Perhaps its a future me calling to warn present me not to move to Mars and become the house band for the first human colony on the red planet. I don’t know who it is, and I’m more excited not knowing who it is.

We have recently been pumping out Van Buren ringtones through our beanseries, and to continue that practice we bring you a ringtone entitled “You Think You Want It.” The tone is a meditation on the joy of man’s desiring. Click the question mark for access…or don’t and imagine what it might be like.

The Van Burens are believers in intertextuality, the concept that we derive all of our creative ideas from past experiences, that there are no “new” ideas. We think of the unwitting recurrence of past experiences as rhymes or echoes of the voices and faces we’ve been lucky enough to be surrounded by. Recently I have taken up two discrete hobbies: climbing and beer brewing.

The unlikely combination of a couple craft beers and the urge to pull my body UP seemed all-too-natural an idea to me, as though I didn’t invent the concept, until I remembered that I hadn’t. When VB members lived together with friends in Providence in the summer of 2007, we lived with the avid climber, Buddha. On Tuesday evenings, after work, he would bring home a six pack of Honey Brown Ale and engage in a ritual known as “Drunk Tuesdays.” After two and a quarter beers, Buddha would be ready to climb every doorway and window frame on Power Street, and sometimes even the grad center if he was feeling especially saucy. As part of our beanseries, we bring you the Buddha ringtone: Climbing on a Tuesday. Click on the cowed out Buddha hanging with P Bear to access the tone.

“Climbing slowly and gracefully”

It’s this time of year that we examine our lives and evaluate all that we hold dear. As part of this process we discuss and analyze those figures who have crossed us that offer guidance through the storm, that shine light upon the righteous path. The Van Burens are especially delighted to honor those who have lived so well that we can only reflect upon their greatness and try to live up to their ideals with the brightest side of our humanity. Yukon Cornelius is the figure of which I speak, and I have the distinct honor of presenting one of the greatest prospector in the north’s forgotten moments to you today.

We all remember Yukon’s miraculous return from the crevice fall, with bumble in tow no less, but do we all remember the time when the prospector finally prospects a very rare material? Here now is the oft untold conclusion of the story told by the snowman with the surprisingly slick and maneuverable ass:
 
 

As part of our beanseries we bring to you the greatest meeting of important people since the Yalta Conference. This is “conversations between zach and taft,” a journalistic account  of the meeting between VB guy and muse Hartford Zach and one of our favorite presidential hedonists, William Howard Taft. The audience should note that the proceedings started late because both participants were in the bathroom, but by the end they had themselves and observers whipped into a frenzy. Enjoy on good speakers or headphones.

The VBs were out painting the town red last night. While we enjoy playing our own shows, we always take the opportunity to enrich ourselves by taking in some live music. I had the pleasure of joining VB-friend-of-the-program, California, and his trail crew buddies at Trampled By Turtles who performed at The Paradise in Boston. TBT, hailing from Duluth Minnesota, just like Michele McKay, bring a midwestern storm of energy to the stage. They are a barn-stompin’ rowdy time that almost seem out of place in such a vast (check out the recent renovations if you get a chance) and modern venue as The Paradise, which may need to take an extra shower this morning to clear out the BO cloud that is surely lingering. An ensemble of all acoustic instruments, TBT surprised me with how much noise they can make. TBT faithful seemed at first underwhelmed by some of the slower, more ponderous tunes that the band started its set with, but by the end of the night the whole club was sweating and hopping up and down. They are a can’t miss and will surely be back to Boston sooner or later. Keep your ears pealed.

The Van Burens are not above playing grab ass and crop dusting each other around the campfire after a gig, but we also like to get down and dirty discussing our respective personal philosophies of man and society. One element of culture that has us hooked like addicts is the television series Breaking Bad, starring Dr. Tim Whatley as high school chemistry teacher turned meth cook Walter White.

Breaking Bad begins by challenging our notion of to what lengths a moral man can go to ensure the security of his family, but quickly diverges from this course. Walter decides to start cooking meth to make some money after he is diagnosed with terminal cancer. What begins as a steal-the-loaf-of-bread-to-feed-your-family tale becomes very convoluted and messy when Walter becomes cured of cancer, but decides he enjoys his new criminal life.

The series challenges our sense of what begets evil. Culture critic Chuck Klosterman (cap tip to to P Bear) explores why Breaking Bad is so successful in his article Bad Decisions.

Klosterman writes:

It’s not just that watching White’s transformation is interesting; what’s interesting is that this transformation involves the fundamental core of who he supposedly is, and that this (wholly constructed) core is an extension of his own free will. The difference between White in the middle of Season 1 and White in the debut of Season 4 is not the product of his era or his upbringing or his social environment. It’s a product of his own consciousness. He changed himself. At some point, he decided to become bad, and that’s what matters.

Above you can also see Seinfeld alumna Anna Gunn who plays Walter’s wife, Skyler. If the deep moral questions don’t win you over, this curvy-voluptuous-MILF-Jerreject should be just the right dose to get you going.

I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention the excellent work of Mr. Shickadance, Ace Ventura’s landlord, as Tio Salamaca.

Some of you may recognize this gentleman as Good Guy Greg: the man who leaves you a note when he dents your fender, buys your hard-to-find favorite Peanut Butter M&Ms for you when he sees them in the store, and cleans up after you while you’re sleeping off a rough night of drinking. The VBs have their very own Good Guy Greg, pictured below, who is well known for his generosity of spirit and tight guitar ostinatos. As part of our beanseries we’re releasing a Smitty Is Calling ringtone so you can be alert the next time Good Guy Smitty is trying to reach you.

iphone users will find these instructions useful for installing on their phones.

Click on the dashing photo of Mr. Smitty to access his ringtone.

Our like-minded buddies over at funny or die have a wonderful series called Drunk History. One of our favorite stories is that of the ill-fated presidency of William Henry Harrison. WHH and his Whig party labeled our boy Martin: Van Ruin, but old number 8 laughed last as “Granny Harrison” caught pneumonia and croaked within 30 days of taking office. Here’s an account:

Two Van Buren favorites teamed for an epic meeting of the minds this past Monday. Stephen Colbert hosted Radiohead for a special one hour episode, in which the now six-piece band of bleak British blokes unveiled live performances of some of their latest tunes. The above video is a version of the first track off of King of Limbs, Bloom. A special nod goes to Jonny Greenwood for his excellent aux perc work on the snare-tom combo. I should also mention my admiration of the band’s sense of symmetry, evidenced primarily by the addition of the second cue ball, Clive Deamer, on drums. Check out the awkward interview with the band on Colbert’s website. Below is an awesome version of The National Anthem with a special audio cameo by another VB favorite: see if you can catch who it is.