So Obama’s second inauguration was today, and the internet is going absolutely hog wild to commemorate the occasion with recollections of some of the great Presidential inaugural speeches of all time. Some moments that spring to mind: Lincoln’s Second Inaugural, a soaring proclamation of America’s importance in world historical terms, delivered in the crimson shadow of the Civil War; Kennedy’s first and only inaugural, a poetic, visionary thesis statement on the new American promise JFK would attempt to make true; FDR’s famous 1942 top-hat-and-cane torch song/tap dance finale. While the great moments in our nation’s inaugural history are debatable, the worst moment is obvious. Yeah that’s right: the worst inaugural address was a piece of utter filth that spewed from the cake hole of the crappiest, lousiest, lowest President in the history of the USA. You all know who I’m talking about: number nine, William Henry Harrison. Booooooooo! Hisssss! BOOOOO!
Harrison, that loser-ey coward,delivered a waaaay too long sermon in some freezing Washington weather and, like an idiot, caught his death of cold. A blessing in disguise, if you ask this Boston-based fun-loving rock.funk.prog band. Wear a freakin’ hat, buddy! Any half-witted ignoramus knows that no hat + chilly weather = certain agonizing death. I’m sure those attending the longest inaugural speech of all time were like: “I hope this guy dies within the month. What a crappy piece of fetid reeking filthy garbage this oration is.”. And you can’t blame those in attendance for wishing ill on #9; dude had it coming. He even had help from one of the greatest public speakers of all time, Daniel Webster, who, after reading Harrison’s first draft, famously threw up his hands in disgust and anachronistically yelped, “we’re writing a speech, Bill, not friggin’ War and Peace you stupid ugly whoreson wanker!”. Historians to this day are attempting to unpack the legendary orator’s sarcastic yelp. So good for Obama that the bar has been set so absurdly low by the scummiest, most horrendous, stinkiest, vilest, most repugnant and repulsive leader this country has ever seen: William Henry “The Dumbass of Ohio” Harrison. Let’s hope we’re never forced to witness another Prez on his level.